11 p.m. - You Gotta Have Faith

Pay penance for all the drink you’ve been consuming at Le Leche Vin (literally, the ‘lick wine’). Here, you can have your drink and say some Hail Mary’s at the same time. The walls of this student-friendly (read: cheap) drinking den are covered with religious relics, perhaps to atone for the bawdy loos plastered with porn. One look at the rustic Turkish toilets will have even the most hardened sinner begging for deliverance.

10 p.m. - French Funnies

Started by a group of friend in 1969, Cafe de la Gare is the place to go if you’re in the mood for some fun – or funnies. With over 300 seats and shows ranging from fringe to stand-up comics to revue, you never know quite what you’re in for. It’s all in French, but some of the shows are so out there even understanding the language isn’t much help. Prepared to be perplexed, entertained and amused all in one go.

9 p.m. - Get Some Spirit

Have a little soul(s) and call on the undead to join the party every third Thursday of the month at Paris Paranormal. Held less than 50 metres from Père Lachaise cemetery, the séance aims to speak with those who have crossed to the other side. It’s all in French, but what’s a little language barrier when it comes spectral communication?

8 p.m. - Suck it Up

Put aside your dignity and get ready for an experience unlike any other. At Le Refuge des Fondues, you’ll share your table with other diners, scribble on walls and suck wine from a baby bottle. It may sound like dining hell, but the convivial atmosphere and packed-like-sardines benches mean you can talk to just about anyone. Get your fill of fondue and enjoy your alcoholic oral fixation!

7 p.m. - Grill and Chill

With summertime BBQs on the roof and interior design by Philippe Starck, you can’t go wrong at Mama Shelter. This ultra-cool hotel – created by the co-founders of Club Med – offers non-residents the chance to hang out on high or sample delights down below at the two bars and restaurant. Get a taste of how the hip live at one of the 50 most stylish business hotels in the world, according to Wallpaper and Fortune magazines. And if you want to stay a bit longer, rooms are surprisingly affordable – prices start from around €110 per night.

6 p.m. - If the Shoe Fits

A trip to Paris would be remiss without a visit to legendary French shoemaker Christian Louboutin. His creations – easily recognisable by their crimson soles and killer heels – have been worn by almost every Hollywood star imaginable, from Oprah to Sarah Jessica Parker. Louboutin’s designs were influenced by the showgirls of Paris nightclubs he used to skip school to watch. Add a little bit of Paris glamour to your step (if you can manage to walk on the sky-high heels, that is) and teeter about on your own custom-made stilettos from his boutique on rue Jean-Jacques-Rousseau.

5 p.m. - Twin Cinemas

If one cinema just isn’t enough, head down to the Bassin de Vilette where you get two in one go. The largest artificial lake in Paris, the Bassin de Vilette was created in 1808 as a back-up for Paris’ drinking water supply. Now, it’s home to the MK2 cinemas (the Quai de Seine and the Quai de Loire) which straddle each side of the rectangular reservoir. Showing a wide variety of art-house films – with three restaurants, 12 screens and a book-store between them – you’ll be hard pressed to choose one over the other. Don’t worry if you can’t decide: electric ferry Zéro de Conduit (free for ticketholders) zips film-goers back and forth. Snuggle into the ‘love-seats’ (two-seaters) at the Quai de Loire then take a moon-lit ride across the water for a bite at the Quai de Seine. Here, it’s double the cinematic fun.

4 p.m. - Belle View

Flee the packed tourist sites and get some quiet at Belleville Park. At 108 metres, it’s the highest park in Paris and it has the stunning panoramic views across the city to prove it. See the longest waterfall fountain in Paris, learn about the importance of clean air at the Maison de l’Air, or hit some balls around on the ping-pong tables. As you wander between the packed flower beds – prepared for their flowers two years ahead of time – you’ll feel like you’ve found a little piece of Parisian heaven.

3 p.m. - Classes for Lasses

Hone your bedroom moves at the L’Ecole des Filles des Joie, where every Saturday afternoon you can unleash your inner stripper. Learn how to gracefully remove a glove while posing like the latest Playboy pin-up. Classes are open to everyone, from the painfully shy to the seasoned exhibitionist. And if you’re ready for a larger audience, you can even hit the stage with the Cabaret des Filles de Joie, held every two months.

2 p.m. - Under the Hammer

Try your luck and test your French at auction-house Hotel Drouot. With almost-daily auctions, you can walk away with everything from porcelain dolls and antique books to leopard-spotted chaises. Check the website to see what’s on, steel your nerves and come ready to compete – you’ll be up against dealers and online bidders from around the world. Open since 1852 and a French institution, it’s good fun to browse Hotel Druout’s auction rooms even if you’re not into buying.

1 p.m. - Fork Out

If money is no object and you’re looking for the ultimate Parisian brunch, hit The Ritz. The oldest Ritz in the world, for just over a €100 you can eat your eggs (and so much more) at the hotel’s restaurant L'Espadon, which earned a coveted Michelin star in 2007. Listen to the live piano, send the little ones off to the games area (with marshmallows on offer, they’ll be sure to go willingly) and head out to the lush garden. And if all that food has made you sleepy, you can also reserve a room – starting from the mere price of €550 per night.

12 p.m. - Go Cerf-ing

Built in 1825, this covered arcade is 100 metres of pure shopping glee. With 33 shops ranging from the latest designers to artists’ workshops, you’ll be sure to find something unlike any other here. Check out MX Sylvie Branellec, whose pearl-crafted jewellery shines under a giant crab ceiling. Or head to Le Labo for lights like you’ve never seen: fashioned from fabric and wire, or reclaimed objects. Whatever the shop, your senses will be sated – although it may be at the expense of your pocketbook!

11 a.m. - Plant Power

Rise above it all and surround yourself with an oasis of calm on the Promenade Plantée. This once-abandoned railway track is now a 4.5 kilometre-long elevated walking track from Bastille to the Bois due Vincennes. Created in 1988, you can expect to get up close and personal with the urban and the wild as you pass by buildings and bats (the Pipistrelle hangs out here). Walk amidst the wild poppies, cherry trees and wrought-iron balconies, take in the great views over the roof-tops, and savour the urban jungle.

10 a.m. - Get Hopping

If you want to hit a flea market where things are hopping, head to Porte de Montreuil. You can find everything – from car-parts to second-hand clothes – at this vast market, one of the oldest and largest in Paris. The mountains of tat may not be pretty, but sifting through the piles may unearth a treasure: in 1991, a punter reputedly bought a painting here that later turned out to be a Van Gogh worth over 2 million Euro! Go early on a Monday morning before all the good stuff is snatched up.

9 a.m. - Sand and Seine

Most Parisians flee the city for the coast in August, but with Paris Plage you can have your moment in the sun and stay in the big city, too. First opened in 2002, the beach was decried as frivolous fun, but Parisians soon embraced the concept with open arms – and swimsuits.

Stretching over three kilometres, complete with sun loungers, palm trees, cafes and a swimming pool, you’ll soon forget you’re in the heart of a major metropolis. And if you soon tire of relaxation, you can use your muscles with tai chi and wall-climbing. If it’s your mind you’re looking to stretch, head to Paris Plage’s other location at the Francois Mitterrand National Library, where you can grab a newspaper for free, take out a book, use the Intenet and even learn how to draw. Just keep your top on, ladies – topless bathing is not de rigeur.

8 a.m. - Writing on the Wall

If you fancy some fresh air with your art, head over to Belleville to rue Dénoyez, rue de l'Ermitage and rue Ramponeau where artists have transformed the plain urban surfaces of the city into fantastical murals with every-evolving street-art.

Known collectively as La Kommune, this group of artists has taken over an abandoned theatre on rue l’Ermitage, covering the interior with graffiti, and a garden on rue Ramponeau where what’s growing is as much a part of the art as what’s showing. If you go on Sunday for an afternoon stroll, you might even seen some graffiti artists at work as the walls morph into their next reincarnation.